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Friends and family annoyed by "complaining"?

Page last modified on: May 27, 2009

Question from Meghan: I get the feeling that my friends and family feel like I’m just whining all of the time. They are supposed to be here to support me, but I feel like all I do is annoy them! If I can't count on friends and family, who CAN I count on?!?: Answers —Mitch Golant, Ph.D.: I think I'd go back to what I was trying to articulate earlier, which is that family and friends want to be supportive, but yet it's anxiety-provoking for them also. A way to think about this is that cancer affects the whole family. Often women with breast cancer find support from other women going through what they're going through. Not to sound like a broken record, but being able to give and receive support in a group or chat room helps.; Rosalind Kleban, L.C.S.W.: I think sometimes women are not accustomed to complaining. I'd like to say "complain" is a poor way to describe this. I think what is more accurate is that women are reporting how they feel, which may sound like a complaint, but it's more reality-based than what we would normally label as "whining." So, therefore, it may be that the person who is doing this is uncomfortable with what she's doing and saying, and is disturbed by it, and is possibly seeing annoyance in people around her when in many cases friends and family -- or some friends and family -- are not annoyed. Of course, when all else fails, the phrase "You need to walk in my shoes" always helps.; Mitch Golant, Ph.D.: To build on this, what actually is the function of complaining or whining? What I've learned talking to women is that there's a longing to connect. It's not easy for us to say "I'm scared" or "I'm not sure the treatment is working" so sometimes it's just familiar to us to complain.

On Wednesday, April 29, 2009, our Ask-the-Expert Online Conference was called Managing Fear and Anxiety. Mitch Golant, Ph.D. and Rosalind Kleban, L.C.S.W. answered your questions about dealing with fear and reducing the stresses that can accompany breast cancer.

The materials presented in these conferences do not necessarily reflect the views of breastcancer.org. A qualified healthcare professional should be consulted before using any therapeutic product or regimen discussed. All readers should verify all information and data before employing any therapies described here.

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Meet the Experts

Mitch Golant, Ph.D. is a health psychologist and senior vice president of research and development for the national office of The Wellness Community, which provides free psychological and emotional support to help people with cancer on their path to recovery. His research focuses on the benefits of online and community support groups for women with breast cancer.

Rosalind Kleban, L.C.S.W. is administrative supervisor for psychosocial programs at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center's Lauder Breast Center in New York City, where she leads weekly support groups for women with early and advanced breast cancer.