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Dealing with husband's loss of desire?

Page last modified on: August 18, 2008
Question from susan: How can we cope with our husbands feeling we're not sexy anymore?
Answers —David Spiegel, Ph.D.: First of all, as Dr. Weiss said earlier, is that a fact or an assumption? That is, you may feel damaged or unsexy, that doesn't necessarily mean your husband does. First of all find a way to figure out if it is your hang-up or his. I think what we tend to do especially early on in a crisis is to think of it in all or none terms. Either I am healthy or I'm dying. Either I'm sexy or I'm ugly. The realities are somewhere in the middle. Sure you would wish not to have had a mastectomy or radiation burns or whatever it is, but there is a lot more that goes into feeling sexy than that one piece of your body. Part of it might be finding an intimate time to explore with your husband, but you will have to be willing to do it. At some time when you are not going to be sexually engaged, talk it over with your partner and tell him what would make you feel good.
Marisa Weiss, M.D., president and founder: Your partner is probably waiting to read your cues on these very delicate and intimate issues, and when you don't talk about things outright, there is much more room for misunderstanding.

On Wednesday, October 18, 2000, our Ask-the-Expert Online Conference was called Feelings about Breast Cancer. David Spiegel, Ph.D. and moderator Marisa Weiss, M.D. answered your questions about the emotional effects of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.

The materials presented in these conferences do not necessarily reflect the views of breastcancer.org. A qualified healthcare professional should be consulted before using any therapeutic product or regimen discussed. All readers should verify all information and data before employing any therapies described here.

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Meet the Experts

David Spiegel, Ph.D.David Spiegel, Ph.D. is professor and associate chairman of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine.

Marisa Weiss, M.D. is a radiation oncologist specializing in breast cancer and the founder, president, and guiding force behind Breastcancer.org.

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