- Question from Wonder: My partner has had a mastectomy and it has affected her attitude towards me. Now she won't let me touch her and is shutting me out. I want to show her that I love her with or without the breast.
- Answers —Cheryl Pearson-Fields, M.P.H.: I think that's a common issue for all women who have had mastectomies, and often we forget that support needs of partners of cancer patients. But it's important to allow your partner time to accept what's happened to her body. That may take a longer period of time than you think, and she may not be ready for you to show her that it's okay with you. She may need to go through her grieving process first, and it's important for you to be there and accessible when she panics at your attention.
- Marisa Weiss, M.D., president and founder: Many women who've had breast cancer sometimes feel much less attractive, particularly if they've lost a breast. They may assume that their experience is their partner's experience. If you want to support her, you should let her know that you still feel very attracted to her, in spite of the changes that breast cancer treatment has brought on. Clearly, this process of accepting yourself as changed and bringing each other back into a feeling of intimacy will take time and a lot of sensitive attention.
- Lisa Weissmann, M.D.: Again, to follow up on what Cheryl and Marisa said, it's really important to understand that cancer affects not only the patient but those who love her. Just as any person whose been diagnosed with cancer should be offered emotional and psychological support, so should her partner. In many cities, lesbians are lucky enough to have support groups, not only for the patient with cancer, but for their partner as well, so that they can explore and examine some of their emotional needs and feel supported as they, too, are having to make changes and adjustments in their relationship. For other women who do not have access to such support groups, perhaps finding a supportive family counselor or therapist may help the couple be able to have clear lines of communication and support around these changes between them.
- Cheryl Pearson-Fields, M.P.H.: The Mautner Project coordinates the National Coalition of Feminist and Lesbian Cancer Project. If you're interested in finding out whether or not there is a lesbian or lesbian-friendly support group in your area, you can contact the Mautner Project. If there's not a support group in your area, there are also wonderful online lesbian cancer support groups where partners are included in the discussions and are involved, and that might be a wonderful place to receive support.
On Wednesday, November 21, 2001, our Ask-the-Expert Online Conference was called Lesbians and Breast Cancer. Lisa Weissmann, M.D., Cheryl Pearson-Fields, M.P.H., and Marisa Weiss, M.D. answered your questions about being gay and having breast cancer.
The materials presented in these conferences do not necessarily reflect the views of breastcancer.org. A qualified healthcare professional should be consulted before using any therapeutic product or regimen discussed. All readers should verify all information and data before employing any therapies described here.
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Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Lisa Weissmann, M.D. is an attending physician at Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, Massachusetts, dedicated to breast cancer care, with an appointment at Harvard Medical School.
Marisa Weiss, M.D. is a radiation oncologist specializing in breast cancer and the founder, president, and guiding force behind Breastcancer.org.
