Talking to Your Partner About Sex and Intimacy After Breast Cancer
Many people find it difficult to talk to their partner about sex after a breast cancer diagnosis. It’s not always easy to talk about sex, especially if it’s now painful, your libido has disappeared, or you’re uncomfortable with changes in your physical appearance.
Still, it’s important for you and your partner to talk to each other about your feelings — even negative ones. Keeping your feelings bottled up can make it very difficult for couples to give each other comfort and support.
Stephanie Ross, PhD, a clinical health psychologist who is a member of the Breastcancer.org Professional Advisory Board, recommends taking the time to rebuild the bond between you and your partner.
“This is usually done through non-sexual activity,” she explained. “It doesn’t have to be complex. It can be as simple as committing to have 30 minutes together alone. It doesn’t have to be physical. It can be watching a show together, exercising together, taking a drive together, taking a walk together, turning off the phones and computers and just reestablishing that connection as partners. I think that’s really critical.”
Listen to the episode of The Breastcancer.org Podcast featuring Dr. Ross discussing how to talk to your partner about sex after a breast cancer diagnosis.
Talking To A Partner About Sex After Breast Cancer
Feb 16, 2024You also may want to:
Write down how you feel before starting the conversation.
Make a list of questions you may have for your partner.
Schedule a time to talk to make sure you are both free so you aren’t distracted or interrupted.
Starting the conversation
When you sit down to talk, don’t feel pressured to discuss every single point you both might want to cover. It can be a big subject that might require ongoing conversations. These are some things to keep in mind for your first talk:
Tell your partner how you feel physically and emotionally. Be specific about how and why your feelings about sex and intimacy have changed.
Let your partner know about any fears or worries you might have. (Some people worry their partners might resent them or not stick around.)
Ask your partner to share any fears or worries they might have with you. (Some people worry about not being supportive enough or in the right way or hurting their partners during sex.)
Let your partner know if you need more time before you are ready to have sex again or if you’d like to try different positions that are more comfortable for you. Be specific about what you might need.
If you sense that the conversation isn’t going how you’d hoped, ask your partner if talking to a counselor or couple’s therapist is an option.
If either you or your partner aren’t comfortable actually talking in person about sex, Dr. Ross suggests indirect communication. You could send your partner a link to an expert talking about the subject. You could share a book with your partner. You could send your partner a link to a podcast about sex or listen to the podcast together.
“We don’t have to start with sitting down and talking face-to-face about sex, especially in the context of a relationship where that was never, ever part of the relationship,” Dr. Ross said. “For many couples, it’s easier to text or email than it is to talk face-to-face. These are tools we can use, not as the only way of connecting.”
Talking with a counselor or couples therapist
Some couples find it helpful to speak with a counselor or couples therapist. A counselor or therapist can help guide difficult conversations about sex and the relationship as a whole. In addition to couples therapy, you and your partner might find it helpful to each see a counselor separately. Speaking with a mental health professional on your own may make sense, especially if you feel your partner isn’t emotionally supportive or you feel like you’re not being heard. Read about how to find mental health professionals who specialize in working with people who've been diagnosed with breast cancer.
There are also support groups available for couples — and for individuals — who feel comfortable sharing their experiences in those types of settings. City of Hope’s Department of Supportive Care Medicine has a Couples Coping With Cancer Together program that meets virtually once a month.
When it comes to sex, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Sex is a very personal thing. It’s important that you not compare yourself with anyone else who might be having similar experiences after a breast cancer diagnosis. And always do what feels comfortable and pleasurable for you.
Dr. Ross recommends the sex and intimacy resources below for people who would like more information and support.
100 Questions & Answers About Breast Cancer Sensuality, Sexuality, Intimacy by Michael Krychman, Susan Kellogg, and Sandra Finestone
The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin
Shameless: A Sexual Reformation by Nadia Bolz-Weber
Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good by Adrienne Maree Brown
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides
Girl Boner by August McLaughlin
She Comes First by Ian Kerner
The Vagina Bible by Dr. Jen Gunter
Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonja Renee Taylor
American Academy of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists referral page to find a specialist trained in oncology, partner, and sex therapy
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Find A Therapist page
— Last updated on June 24, 2024 at 12:36 PM