Reclaiming Nav's Story: Embracing Life: My Metastatic Breast Cancer Journey
Reclaiming Nav is a Breastcancer.org Community member in Vaughan, Ontario, Canada.
I fluctuate between is this really happening, why haven't I woken up from this horrible dream, to yes, this is my reality and I am ready to fight the fight. Some days are great, others I have a pit in my stomach from facing my mortality.
I still remember being delivered the news of my first diagnosis of breast cancer. Being told you have cancer is never easy but I thought, "I got this." Breast cancer is manageable and has great survival rates. I sailed through my original stage 0 diagnosis and treatment without being present. It was just another thing on my list. I got a bilateral mastectomy and did my chemo. Life moved on. I went back to my old life without blinking an eye.
Fast forward to 20 months later. Having less energy and motivation, I knew something was wrong, my intuition told me. I didn't listen to my body. I was told four words that altered my life forever and so fundamentally that I can never go back to before that moment. "Your cancer is back." My world was shattered and I entered a world I didn't know, I was in unfamiliar territory, one that was not understood by many. I felt so alone. My life was never an easy one and this seemed like an unnecessary cruel punishment.
Stage IV is different. There is no end to treatment, there is very little room to breathe. It forces you to reevaluate what's important and what you should let go. It forced me to start my healing process. The trauma I have lived with for years, the anger I carried in my body.
The most painful parts of my journey came from feeling alone. I have found two amazing support groups but for the most part I don't share outside these groups, partly because of the stigma of cancer in my community and partly because I don't like to ask for help. But mostly because I don't want people feeling sorry for me, I put on my "I am a fighter" mask. I carry the burden of trying not to make life uncomfortable for those around me, or showing any vulnerability. My Indian community does not make me feel supported; blaming individuals for having cancer is common. The rhetoric of "you must have done something wrong" is heart-wrenching and painful, especially when many cancer patients already spend time thinking what they could have done differently.
My healing journey has been a long one but I have learned to find peace and been taught some of the most valuable lessons. Trivial things don't matter, the bigger picture is clear. I don't want to waste what little time I have left on these trivial things and I don't intend to.
I spend my days surrounded by those I chose to call my family, by those that uplift me and allow me to show gratitude for the small things that truly matter, but most importantly by those that allow me to be me.
