Cindy-Anne's Story: How I Found a New Perspective Through My Breast Cancer Experience
Cindy-Anne Manoo is a member of the Breastcancer.org Community from Sarnia, Ontario, Canada.
I am a PSW [Personal Support Worker]. I was assisting a resident with their meal and I gave them a drink of juice instead of chocolate milk and they struck out and hit me in the chest. A week or two had passed by and I noticed I was still sore which made me feel around my breast and I notice a lump. I thought at first bruising and said to my guy at the time that I got hit harder than what I thought and continued on with my life.
I would say another week later and I am still sore and noticed that this lump was still there. So I got my guy to feel it and we decided to make an appointment with my doctor. I was checked and I had some positives on my side: Like, it hurt and the lump felt like it "moved," not solid. Just to be safe I went for an ultrasound. Two days later at most I got a call to come back in and do a mammogram. Two days after that I received another call to come in for a biopsy.
It was my 44th birthday. My bestie was down, my mom was over, and one of my girlfriends was coming for a visit, and my youngest son was coming by. I was just getting ready. My bestie was in the shower and I remember saying, "I'm good. All clear." I believe it was a Wednesday and I said, "If it was something serious they would've called on Monday. Tuesday for sure." And I shit you not -- the phone rang. It was my doctor's office and they wanted me to come in.
I held it together. Came up with some excuse for my mom to leave the house without her. And delayed my son as no one knew about my findings. I called my girlfriend and said that I got the call. And off I went with my bestie to the doctor's.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in the 21st of December 2021.
That being said, my boys this same year just buried their dad in April. He was 47. I was NOT going to have them do [that] with me.
My bestie and I kept this diagnosis to ourselves and celebrated my birthday as planned. I said [to my]self, "Self...we are going to do the holidays. And then I will let everyone know." So that is what I did.
My brother and my niece came down for Christmas. My mom was supposed to be with us, except my grandma --"Ma" -- took a turn in health and closed her eyes on the 29th. I was like what in the flick are the chances. What do I do...I couldn't let my mom know as she just lost her mom. I just couldn't make sense out of anything. I felt like I was watching a movie. Or this was some long ass bad dream. It wasn't.
I decided to tell my boys and my brother and niece about my diagnosis and let them know that I am not telling mom until after the funeral and she was back home.
The funeral was the 3rd of January. I had to face everyone with this big ugly secret and keep it together for my mom my family, as they were going through enough as well.
I was asked to say something at my Ma's celebration of her and I was honored!! I rocked it. Yes, I'm patting my own back cause I rocked it. No one knew anything and focus is where it needed to be.
Letting my family, my guy, my friends, co-workers know of my diagnoses was not easy. The pain in their eyes is something I will always see. The fear, the unknown.
I decided that I was going to go through with a mastectomy and a reconstruction using my own tissue. So this meant they they removed all my breast tissue and took stomach fat to create a breast and I was able to keep my nipple.
Before I decided this though I also decided that I wanted to keep my natural breast. So my bestie did her research and found a place in Toronto that does body castings. So this is what I did before my surgery. I call it "My Forever Boobs." It's beautiful and it's me naturally...before all this.
I went for my surgery in London, March 22nd, 2022. Seven hours, amazing team of doctors. I was told stage I. "We got it all, clear." I was ecstatic!! We did it!!
I received the pathologist report six weeks later to find the two lymph nodes they removed came back positive and my margins were not clear. This meant another surgery and now chemotherapy and radiation. Please let me add that I just left a job of eight years full time with benefits to somewhere with more potential. Started in September and diagnosis in December. No full time. No benefits.
My second surgery was in April 2022 and it was successful and nowhere as invasive as the first surgery.
Before chemo I said, "I'm doing what I can."
I healed up from my surgeries with flying colours. Drains were out. I had a few incisions that were stubborn but I overall was doing good. So that summer I decided to live my best life:
I went up North to see my oldest son and my grandbabies.
Made a trip to see my brother and niece.
Went to Niagara Falls for a few days with my bestie.
Went to Sudbury with my guy at camp!
People were like,"You should rest," and blah blah blah. I say, "I am starting chemo soon. Soon all I will be doing is resting."
I had to get a PICC line in before chemotherapy and had that for five months. All I have to say about that is "yuck."
Started chemo in July 2022. They called it "The Red Devil" and that it was.
I was told by my oncologist that I would lose my hair. My hair... My hair was down to my bum. It was part of me: It was my shield to cover my face when needed to. Crying, bitch face, laughing uncontrollably in the most inappropriate times. It was more than "just hair."
So I made another decision: I cut my hair to a little pixie cut and donated my hair to Wigs For Kids. My girlfriend cut her hair that same day with me. She said "[You're] not doing this alone."
Losing my hair was traumatic. Clumps of it falling off. Brushing it. The shower was the worst. Handfuls of hair. I called my guy and asked him to come over with the clippers and we shaved my head... Wow.
I never took anyone with me to my treatments. I chose that because it was easier. I cause enough pain. Plus I read and slept most of the time.
The next three months I literally watch[ed] my body dying. My fingernails and toenails went black. "Chemo hands and feet." The palms of my hands went grey. I had numbness and tingling in my fingers. The skin on the bottom of my feet was shedding. I lost my eyelashes my eyebrows. My tongue went black -- they called it "Black Hairy Tongue." My taste was gone. I couldn't eat ten days after treatment without bringing it all back up. The pain -- my face, my legs -- it felt as someone was hammering nails in them. I just slept in.
Not going to lie; I didn't think I could do this.
But after day ten of my treatment I felt more like me. So I lived. I saw my mom, my son. I drove. I went to the park. I went swinging on the swings. Went to the beach, enjoyed the sun and a book. And I ATE !! Then I went for my next treatment and repeated the cycle.
I did well with chemo overall. I was hospitalized once for eight days cause my body was shutting down and I was going septic. I only missed two treatments due to low blood levels.
I had some hardships but I rocked it. I always did my makeup and put on my jewelry and dressed up -- that's just who I am.
I rang that gong October 22nd, 2022, and thanked everyone for the incredible care I received here in Sarnia.
My radiation. Well, I got 4 tattoos!! I had to stay in London, Monday to Friday at the Marriott Hotel to be away from home and my son, my mom. I broke up with my guy. I just needed to fight my fight. But to be away from everyone was difficult. But the Marriott did everything they could do to make you feel like home. I was very grateful.
I did radiation everyday from Monday to Friday. Fifteen treatments, three weeks, with no complications and ironically hit that gong exactly one year after I got diagnosed. On my 45th birthday, December 21st, 2022!! Circle complete!!
I joined a program called Wellspring. There I did Reiki therapy -- I still do it. And I joined an art therapy class that I still do which blows me away because before this I could not even draw a stick person. I also am starting Qigong exercise through Wellspring -- all free!! We need more of this out there. We also need more resources.
During my treatment and all this - what they called "journey" - I was given all sorts of information about my treatments and the side effects and complications but nothing about places like Wellspring until I was at the Marriott.
Like I said earlier, I just started a new job. No benefits and even though my workplace has been incredibly supportive, I was not getting an income.
I applied for EI [Employment Insurance Benefits], which I got my first payment after five months of waiting. I had to get the MP [Member of Parliament] of Sarnia to help. I took out my RRSP [Registered Retirement Savings Plan] to have some funds and the girls at work did a fundraiser for me where, I mean, angels from all over came forward -- some people I didn't even know -- and they raised $4000 dollars for me!
But I was off of work for a full year. My payments ran out, and I had to apply for ODSP [Ontario Disability Support Program]. This was hard as I was -- I am -- a hardworking woman who made money to at least pay for the bills and had some play money, to literally wondering if I was going to be able to keep my car and the roof over my head. I lost my credit cards and got way into debt.
First thing my doctor said to me after letting me know I had breast cancer was, "Whatever stress you [have], let it go." That was kinda hard when you are worried about your next meal. Now don't get me wrong, I have friends and family that have been extremely supportive. But I couldn't help but to think of the people that don't have any support. What are they doing?
So my rant is that we need to make these resources that are out there -- that I found out about a little too late -- we need to ask and make aware that there is help. Just as easy as they made the knowledge of what to expect during your therapy. Make just as easy for the support and help financially and mentally.
We need to be aware of the cold caps for your head and the cold gloves for your feet and hands during chemo that help with keeping your hair, and less damage to your feet and hands. They have this available for the patients, but no one knows this because it's not mentioned??? I used the gloves for my hands and feet, but it was too late, damage had already started. I learned about weeks into my therapy, thanks to my bestie and her research.
I want to speak up about this. I do not wish this on anyone. But if they are going to go through this, then I want it to be as easy for them as possible. To focus on getting better and fighting. No worrying about how they are going to pay the next bill or lose their credit like it did.
With that being said: I am back to work. I left March of 2022 and came back March of 2023. I am getting back on my feet. My credit sucks but I am living my best life!! I went on a road trip with my bestie, celebrated 22 years of the greatest friendship out to Nova Scotia to PEI. Getting back on track.
This cancer has taught me to look at life through different eyes. To appreciate the small things. To let go of whatever is holding you back. To take chances. To not miss out on opportunities and think we have "next time" to be yourself. To love yourself and not focusing on changing others but yourself and lead by example. This was not my "journey" -- I never liked that word during this process. This is something that has happened to me. But in turn has made me a better person.
Now I will walk my journey like Tim McGraw: "Live Like I Was Dying," not to take things for granted, and find something to be grateful for everyday.
