Cancer Ghosting: What to Do When Family and Friends Leave
No one likes to be ghosted. It’s particularly painful if friends or family members abandon you when you’ve been diagnosed with cancer.
Cancer ghosting happens when a friend or loved one becomes distant or disappears entirely after your breast cancer diagnosis. Unfortunately, it’s a common and extremely painful reality for many people diagnosed with breast cancer.
Understanding what cancer ghosting is, and the reasons it happens, can help you create stronger relationships with the people who do show up for you. And if you’re looking for ways to support someone who recently had a cancer diagnosis, there are ways to avoid becoming a cancer ghost.
How common is cancer ghosting?
Cancer ghosting is a common problem, experts say. Kelly Grosklags, LICSW, BCD, FAAGC, a licensed clinical social worker and grief counselor, says that as many as 90% of the people with cancer that she’s worked with have been ghosted by someone close to them.
A survey of the Breastcancer.org Community also points to how common cancer ghosting is. More than 75% of those polled said they’d had friends or family members withdraw from them since their cancer diagnosis.
It’s also common for people in treatment for cancer and survivors to feel lonely and isolated. A 2023 survey by the American Cancer Society found that about 60% of people report feeling socially isolated after cancer diagnosis or treatment.
The same survey found that friend and coworker relationships are most likely to be impeded by cancer, while relationships with household members and extended family feel more connected as a result of their cancer.
Cancer Ghosting: What It Is and How to Respond
May 15, 2023Why does cancer ghosting happen?
There are many reasons why a person might distance themselves from a person who has been diagnosed with cancer. Often it’s not deliberate, according to Grosklags. But “that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” she says.
One of these reasons is that it's hard for people to stay engaged around an emotional topic, says Arif Kamal, MD, chief patient officer of the American Cancer Society. “We, as adults, have never been taught how to engage with a person who's going through a difficult thing.” People are often afraid to say the wrong thing, or assume the person diagnosed with cancer wants to be left alone, or that they already have a community rallying for them and don’t need their support.
Additionally, Kamal says many people have a misconception of what it’s like to live with cancer. “I think that a lot of people still see cancer as an immediate death sentence, so that makes it hard to connect and socialize [with people they know living with cancer],” he says.
How to cope with being ghosted during cancer
When you’re ghosted, many feelings may arise, according to Grosklags –– pain, fear, abandonment, grief, sadness, confusion. Grosklags advises her patients to sit with their feelings –– to not judge them. “I think it’s important to acknowledge that these things are coming up for us and that we are entitled to feel these things,” she says.
Then she has her patients write a letter, one they might never send, to the person who ghosted them. The letter gives them a place to express everything they are feeling without holding back, she says. “It’s important to get this out, to get this outside of us, because these big emotions are very valid but they also can interfere with our healing and treatment,” she says. For example, if you’re disappointed in a family member for not showing up, then this would be the place to write it out.
If you have people who are there for you, lean on them. Many people with a cancer diagnosis report being ghosted by friends or family that they're close with. But another common phenomenon is people who maybe aren't the closest friends or relatives stepping up and becoming more present.
Kamal also advises people with cancer to connect with other communities, including others who might also be dealing with friends and family disappearing on them. The Breastcancer.org Community and virtual meetups provide a space to come together with others who know how you’re feeling. The American Cancer Society has a 24/7 contact center and an app called ACS Cares that can connect you with a stranger who might share a similar diagnosis.
How to cope if the ghost comes back
There’s no one correct way to cope when a cancer ghost reappears in a person’s life. Each situation and relationship is so unique and personal, and the decision to let a ghost back into your life is ultimately, yours. “I think it’s important to know that there’s space to let people back in, but you’re not obligated to,” says Grosklags.
She says you don’t have to let people in right away. She encourages people to ask themselves: Are they going to reach out once and drop it, or are they going to reach out to you a couple times? Does their apology feel authentic? Is this person a good person to have in my life?
“We may not like the answer, but I think it’s important to listen,” she says. “It’s so important that we allow ourselves to change our decisions, make different decisions about who and who isn’t in our life.”
Kamal believes that if someone decides to let a cancer ghost back into their lives, they should acknowledge the “ghosting.” This gives the person who was ghosted and the ghost the chance to share their feelings and talk about best ways to communicate going forward.
In Grosklags’s experience speaking with people diagnosed with cancer, cancer ghosts often return with various excuses for what they did. However, many times, the ghost is motivated to come back by guilt. ”I think when you show up from an authentic place of really wanting to do this because you love and care about this person, that tends to be a better way,” says Grosklags.
How to avoid becoming a cancer ghost
Kamal and Grosklags have a few tips for people with friends or loved ones who have been diagnosed with cancer:
Reach out regularly –– with minimal worry about saying the right thing.
Be persistent. Until you know for sure that a cancer patient really doesn't want to be communicated with, then you should keep trying.
Make genuine and specific offers of help. For example, say it’s a Friday night, and you’re picking up pizza for your family. Extend the offer to pick up pizza for a friend diagnosed with cancer. This gives them the freedom to decide without feeling like they’re bothersome.
Offer help in bite-sized ways. This could be asking questions like, “I’m going to the drug store. Do you need anything?”
Be honest about how much support you can provide. Sometimes people overcommit when a person is first diagnosed with cancer, and then they don’t follow through with their earlier commitments, especially if the person’s medical situation is complicated. If you can’t continue to support a person with a diagnosis, have a conversation with them about it.
— Last updated on February 22, 2025 at 9:03 PM